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Oct. 21st, 2009

I used to be a person who kept a journal, someone who wrote out the thoughts of my life and kept them for posterity. There was an ease and a calm that came with putting what was in my head down on paper. Ink was calming, and never in my life has my head felt as clear as it did after those moments, minutes, sometimes hours of writing.

I can't be that person anymore.

Somewhere along the line I lost the trust in the page, in the ink and the written word. The noise that I used to be able to quiet with the scratch of a pen now stays locked in my mind, banging and clashing its way around my cerebellum. Really, deep down, I stopped trusting myself and started fearing the things that I would see on the page after the haze cleared. Things I never wanted to admit, things I don't want to share and things that leave me pining over moments and memories that will never be more than just that, moments and memories.

I've never had closer friends, but I've never felt more alone. A little girl adrift at sea, hoping and praying that someone picks her out of the water and puts her back on dry land. Who knows- maybe the ocean is my new home, my new reality; but right now, I'm still looking for my sea legs.

And so it begins...

I turned in my Petition to Declare for my Anthropology major today, which was single handedly the most amazing and nerve-wracking experience of my life. Worse than turning in college apps. or sending the in little card saying yes, I am going to attend Berkeley in the Fall.

It's kind of scary to know that I'll wake up tomorrow an Anthropology major, all shiny and official, but I can't wait! I've been waiting for this day since I was a little kid!

My Classics declaration will come in the Fall, making my need to be Berkeley's own Hermione Granger nearly complete.

In Other News: Crewed for the Yountville fireworks show yesterday with a gaggle of Cannoneers and a few friends. Hours out in the sun next to a giant festering shit pit at the water reclmation facility was so worth it for the 15 min. show we set off. Nothing beats playing with explosives on a hot day in Ju-ly!

So Say We All

It's hard for my to sum up what I'm feeling right now, and I'll admit to feeling a little silly, since in the end its about a TV show for frak's sake!

That being said, it is hard for me to imagine waking up tomorrow in a world where there no longer is a show called Battlestar Galactica, just that there was a show called Battlestar Galactica. I'm 19 now, and I was 13, may be 14 when it came on. BSG has been there through my roughest years, and was a show and a fan community who I came to know and love dearly. Come midnight tonight, it'll all be over.

Sure, the fans will still be there and I always have the DVDs and Caprica and The Plan, etc., etc., but when push comes to shove, there will never again be a new episode of RDM's BSG. No more Starbuck and Apollo drama, no more sexy cylons, no more head!Six and head!Baltar, no Tamoh looking fine, or Ellen Tigh drunkalogues. While I have complete confidence in RDM and his team to give Galatica the ending it deserves, I'm proud to say I've been there since day one and immensly sad to see it end.

I could not have asked for a better show to have during my teenage years. The stark humanity gave me chills at times, but was the sounding board to the outside world that I didn't have anywhere else, and so was a major influence in shaping my view of the world. As I leave my teen years behind, BSG leaves me. Then again, all of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.

Thank you so much Ron, and Mrs. Ron, and everyone involved in BSG. My Fridays just won't be the frakking same without you.

So Say We All.
Sometimes I'm forced to step back form myself and re-evaluate the relationships that I have chosen to make precedent in my life. Every time I do, I question myself, my motives and what it is that I expect from the people closest to me. Every time I question myself, I find myself with fewer answers than I did before, and more confusion that I need right now.

Its strange to question where you stand with someone. Am I the best friend or the nagging girl? How can you say one thing but treat me like the other, or treat me like nothing at all until you need me for something? More importantly, why do I let myself be the Grace to his Will when at times it just feels like I'm the Jack and everyone just tolerates me for the time being. Or am I the Karen, "living" as she does because she doesn't know what she'd do if she stopped being what everyone expected her to be?

I could really use for it to be 2009.

Nov. 25th, 2008

Hey Honesty,

I guess I have to thank you for being well...so damn honest, but now I'm more confused than ever. I guess I'm not Pam anymore and he isn't Jim, but now we're Will and Grace and I'm surprisingly comforted by that fact.

I'm finally going to honest with myself.

T-Minus 12 Hours and Counting...

I could really use of the election to be over with right this very instant. I know that it will all be done with tomorrow, but that also means that I get to live through weeks of elation or depression depending on how tomorrow turns out. What ever the result, only half of my room here at Berkeley will be pleased since my roomie and I stand on opposite sides of the political spectrum. November 4th only means that the campaign is over, but it still means that I have to hear about all this election crap from now until AT LEAST February. Uggh....

Also, I've had my fourth dream where Sarah Palin and I go on a picnic and I end up dressed as a moose with a target on my chest. I can't keep having those dreams and be expected to function like a normal person.

Oct. 12th, 2008

I think I've finally found it, the plot to my first serious movie.

It isn't going to be some deep, mind-hardening drama or anything like that, it is going to be a comedy, but it is going to be gold!

Midsummer Nights Update

Alright, lets see....since I last posted, I have done as close to nothing as seems physically possible.

Literally, I am amazing at Dead RIsing now, become quite handy with GTA IV and watched every damn episode of Hogan's Heroes. I am well versed in zombies, East Europeans and the workings of inept Nazis and their oh-so-clever GI prisoners. The level of lulz that exists within that one show almost make up for the fact that I was really bummed about Bob Crane being murdered, which to me was upsetting because there is literally no possibility of a Hogan's Heroes reunion episode of any kind.

...well, that and the fact that most of the rest of the cast are now dead as well.

My eyes don't burn like lazers anymore, they're just sorta dry but I can see 20/20. to put it in perspective, I haven't been able to see 20/20 since some time in kindergarten. In a few minutes of lazer mc-zappey zaps, and then a few days/weeks of ouchy mc-oucheys and bada-bing, bada-boom I can see like a frickin' racehorse/FBI special agent.

I aw both Dark Knight AND the X-Files movie. Loved them both for different fan girly reasons. I mean, as awesome as DK was, it was lacking a certain former FBI Special Agent duo, who I totally love, and have loved since early elementary school.

At the end of the day, Mulder and Scully = awesome. pure awesome.